get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize