I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize