Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He? As in you personified your dick?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
