***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize