Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
