I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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