got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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