Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
