My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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