im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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