She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
