Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
