if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
