I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
