I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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