and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
