What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
as a side note pls kill me
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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