I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
