The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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