is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
