Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
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I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
