We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
