I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
