WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
