So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize