I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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