Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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