i jhust puked up my retainher.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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