Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
