I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
