he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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