mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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