watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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