jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
