im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
