Just fell off a train. Bad.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
