My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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