Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
