My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize