clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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