So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
