he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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