drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
