Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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