That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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