it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Randomize
