mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize