So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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