Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
