went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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