so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
