i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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