she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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