the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
