I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
