yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize