ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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