What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
