Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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