I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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