Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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