____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
pray to the hookup gods
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
