my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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