she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
