and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
