Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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