I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
