just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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